My first post ever made on this blog was in December of 2011. I wrote of the upcoming events in my life and the daunting yet exciting things that my future holds. Well, that was December and now it is May… The “unknown” is only days away.
I thought things would be wrapped up and all the loose ends of my life tied. Because I thought I knew about endings…
Whenever I thought of an ending, it was as if everything in the past had been solved and the big word called closure took place. I even believed when people die, it’s as if all their troubles have been resolved and they are ready to let go of their lives here. Yes, I know I am quite naïve and it sounds like I believe in the “happily ever after”, but I do not and I learned they rarely exist a long time ago.. Yet when I imagined myself leaving my home for college I pictured a neat, planned and happy ending to my childhood. I imagined some hard goodbyes and tears but I also thought I would be leaving with everything resolved, no words left unsaid, no longer any regrets or hard feelings about my former home, and no longing to go back to how things were. Well, as usual I was greatly mistaken.
I have cleaned out my room and left only two suitcases worth of belongings, and I threw away almost everything I held dear to me these past years. Sure they are just things but I felt like each article of clothing or letter from a loved one, or even a simple thing as my favorite nail polish holds some part of who I am. Objects are not who I am but as I got rid of things I felt less and less like myself. Yes, it may have been a shirt, but that was shirt I wore when I had my first kiss, and yes that may just be a letter, but that letter was my comfort blanket when I felt another day would be impossible, I would read it until I fell asleep, and that nail polish that seems so simple was the nail color I wore to my first day of Normandale, I thought it made me look grown up and would add 5 years. These weren’t things to me or objects, they were who I am, I guess I should correct myself and say who I was.
Throwing things away, and sitting in my empty room was not what I expected it to be. I thought I would smile, and look at all I have accomplished, and feel ready for what it is ahead. Instead I felt awfully nostalgic and depressed at how things ended. I want to be ready to let go, I want to call all this my past. But rather, in this moment it still feels so current.
In this day it all just feels so surreal when I see this ending approaching. Now I know “it’s not an ending it’s only the beginning” but it sure as hell doesn’t feel that way. This month is marking an end to a lot of things in my life. And most importantly it is an ending to all that I know. I’m on my own, yes “A Life of my Own”… just what I always wanted. But I don’t think this is what I thought “A Life on my Own” would feel like…