A few years ago I thought I knew it all. I had my whole life planned out neatly and perfectly. I knew what college I was going to, who I was going to marry, where I wanted to live, the career I was going to have and even the color of my future home. It was exactly the life I wanted to live. With no word to describe it other than PERFECT. Now I knew it was a little naïve to think everything would go exactly as planned, so I expected some minor problems in the way to make it more realistic but, for the most part it would go as I hoped it to…
Sitting here today it makes me laugh at how truly wrong and absolutely childish I was.
You see, my picture of what my life would be has taken the largest turns and that’s called life…
My dream for college was Hawaii. I was so close to it but it was not in the big plan for me. It’s what I had always wanted. If you look back at my older posts from December up until March I had Hawaii down to a “know” not a “hope.” But.. Here I am about to leave for Utah.. The one place I promised myself I would NEVER step foot in. I loathed Utah and everything it represents in my mind. And of course the things you wish away the most seem to come running towards you and well it just did. I’m going to Utah, not my paradise of Hawaii. When this turn of events occurred, to put it lightly, all shit broke loose. I couldn’t get out of bed for days, I no longer felt I could fake a smile and I felt like God had forgotten my plan. Like somehow if I could just remind him of what was going to happen in my life he would “poof” it all back neatly into where I was supposed to be.. Hawaii. And well, jokes on me because God didn’t do that, nor did he simply forget it. He knew Hawaii was not where I was supposed to be, I just didn’t want to listen.
I was so distraught not because I didn’t get my pick in colleges, but rather because I couldn’t see myself outside of Hawaii. I never imagined not going, who I wanted to be was in Hawaii. It wasn’t a place to me, it was who I wanted to be. I pictured myself as someone there, like my whole existence would suddenly be at peace when I arrived. And when I realized I was not going, my whole picture for life was shattered. I didn’t know who I was going to be anymore. And I know it’s kinda a weird way to put it but that is what I thought when I lost Hawaii. It took the longest time to accept that I wasn’t going there, I needed to find out myself aside from a place.
Now, as for the guy that I planned on being in my life for forever, well.. He is gone. He didn’t gracefully leave my life with closure and a goodbye kiss on the cheek, rather he dove out of my life headfirst and with a great big smile and sigh of relief to do so.. And as you can guess, I was destroyed. I could lie and say it took some time but I moved on, but here I am almost a year later and still to this day, the mention of his name brings tears to my eyes and a dull ache in my heart.
Once again, I thought God forgot about me and my plan. I tried everything in my power to change it, to make everything go back to how they were “supposed to be” but I was pushing against a wall. He did not want to be with me anymore and trying to accept that was unimaginable to me, it just hurt too much to realize that so I just kept on believe one day he would come back..
Now, I’ve accepted it. That doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt or that seeing him is easy, but for me accepting it is enough of a step.
At first, when looking at my once picture of my life and how it now turned out, I saw the two most important pieces missing and it left me feeling so empty. I lost apart of myself and who I thought I was going to be, and I couldn’t see anything left.
But now, I see it a little differently. Yes I may not be going to BYU Hawaii, and no I will not have that guy in my life, but I am still going to college and I am still going to find someone who will want to be in my life forever. So no, the details to my picture no longer fit, the colors are blurred and there is a lot left unfinished and unknown. But that is okay, because I can still see an outline of who I will be and what my life will be like, and I don’t need to know every detail and have everything match up perfectly to be happy. It won’t go as planned, and people will change but everything will be okay. I lived through a lot of changes to the plan, and I survived and yes it was hard at times but I still am here today. Just because the plan doesn’t workout perfectly doesn’t mean life ends, it moves on.
I am not 100% content with where I am in life, I am not happy with everything that is going on right now. But I am all right, I still have breath in my lungs and I still am leaving for college and things are going to be okay. I have a good outlook on the life I am about to live. I am accepting things as they are, not how I hoped them to be and I am putting my trust in the Lord. That is all I can do.