This may come as no surprise, but once again it is 2am on a Friday and here I am feeling the need to blog. After neglecting to post in over a month I would like to apologize and state the obvious that yes I am still alive and kicking. My lack of attention to this blog is not because I had nothing to write about but rather the opposite. I found myself piled in new events and changes that I felt quite overwhelmed staring at a blank page and feeling remorse for those who would decided to read through pages of updates. So rather than sit here and give you a continuum of stories I would like to focus in on this Summer Semester and the difference in attitude that has been a deciding factor at my time here at BYU.
From the beginning, as you have previously realized my attitude towards BYU has not been the greatest. I can quote myself a few months ago when I stated “I would rather jump off a bridge and die then ever step foot in Utah.” Yup…. well God has a funny sense of humor to send me to the one place that I despise.. BYU UTAH.. (just those simple words have awful background music in my mind.)
So there I was, on a plane alone leaving behind everything that I had centered my life around. I arrive only to find that it was much worse than I had imagined. The grass was brown, the construction was engrossing all the highways, it was over 100 degrees and on top of it all I had the lovely company of a migraine the whole way. To put it lightly I was not a happy camper. And I hate to admit it but I did something I promised I would never do, I sugar-coated my blog. I wrote a post about my first day and put a nice happy attitude to show that I was enjoying my time here to the people back at home. This. Was. A. Lie. Yes, the mountains were beautiful but I never felt a sense of home. I could not picture myself being here one more week let alone my entire college experience.
Once classes started, my attitude plummeted more than before if even possible. I felt that I wasn’t being challenged in my classes and that I was not feeling like a true college student like I had before at Normandale. I had lots friends and a social life but like I usually do, I hid my dissatisfaction behind a smile and let no one in. I had moments where I had an amazing time, I met friends that I grew to love yet every night I lay in bed waiting for sleep to come knocking on my door and all that came was a sense of loneliness. I tried to open up to people and to a few I did, only to get hurt in the process. So from that point came my last blog, my need to make a difference and to change the world and leave BYU as soon as possible. Now, my desire to make an impact on the world has not changed, however my thoughts about what needed to change did.
I had an epiphany when I was having my typical loner moment. I was alone sitting on a basketball court at around 3 in the morning only to realize that I was unhappy. The semester was about to end and people were leaving and I just felt that I went through my summer practically numb. Then I began thinking about my friends that had to go back home because they didn’t get accepted to the Fall. They were devastated and BYU had been their dream and I was here to stay and not by my picking. They had a blast this summer and surprisingly we did a lot of the things together. So, how could they have had such a fabulous time doing what I found to be mediocre and with no fulfillment? Answer: I got what I was looking for. I experienced exactly what I expected. I have read “The Secret” many times, but apparently not enough to see it in my own life. How could I have been so blind and naïve?! I spent my summer with a lot of sadness and loneliness when I didn’t have to. I created it for myself. I have always been a firm believer that we create our own lives, and for me to blame the circumstances on why I feel a certain way is just projecting blame onto things not responsible.
Now that I have had the time to reflect on my summer with a different view, I realize that amazing things had occurred in those short months. God blessed me with a scholarship to pay for my college, He gave me friends that held me when I was hurt and friends that kept me up laughing till the morning. God put challenges in my way this summer to show me to trust in others and for that I am grateful. Most of all God healed my broken heart in those months. I was a much different person before I came here to BYU. My heart is in a different place now. And yes at times I have my rebel moments of dying my hair odd colors and finding myself with quite the pottymouth but I can say that I am content with who I am becoming and at this moment that is all I can ask for. I know that I was sent to BYU for a reason this summer, I had things that I needed to do and people that I needed to help and allow to help me in return. I do not regret a single day spent in Utah. I might not be in Hawaii like I dreamed, but I have a purpose here and that is enough of a reason for me to stay.
~With Love, Katie
Now time for the photo updates. This is where I show you what I have been up to… 🙂
1) These are the the girls I spent my summer with.. The greatest friends I could ever ask for.
2) Drove to California for break. LOVED IT.
3) Spent almost all my weekends camping.
4) Flew back to MN to see my sister’s wedding.
5) Moved out and into my new dorms for the fall and met these lovely girls!
My Summer in 5 photos.