It’s roughly 1am and I cannot seem to find the solitude of mind to allow myself to sleep. You see, I wonder why my life story seemed to deviate so far from how I originally dreamed it to be. Sometimes I feel that how my life is turning out is better than I hoped. Then there are nights like these, where I look back at the little, curly haired, innocent minded me, with a simple outlook on what I wanted. I never wanted much, other than to have someone to love. And then as I got older my life scheme seemed to get bigger with more detailed plans and more grad ideas to what would make me happy in the end.
Well, at this moment. I have accomplished more than I had imagined possible in my situation. I made it to some of the greater plans. and yes, they made me very happy and I have a lot to say for myself. Yet, I feel more alone than ever. I am on a constant overload of meetings, classes, phone calls, and homework. I live in a dorm room the size of a box that feels nothing like home and I find myself every night looking toward my ceiling for some epiphany to tell me that this is what I want. However, night after night, I still have the same feeling resinate inside me, and that is loneliness.
To make it worse, TWICE this week I have been so overwhelmed and tired that I went to the store alone and bought myself some flowers and chocolate. Now, yes I cracked a few jokes to my friends about it and I tried to make my patheticness seem more lighthearted. But really, truth is, I needed some flowers so I could make believe when I got back from a long day, that someone loved me. That maybe I wasn’t all alone. But all it did was remind me that I am turning into one of those girls who buys herself flowers. It can’t get much worse than that….
Now, I know I am hoorahh on being a strong independent lady in all and I have blogged about the importance of finding peace and joy in ones self. However, there gets to a point where being alone isn’t enough anymore. There comes a time where you want some company in your life.
And so tonight, I pray that I will find someone to love. Someone to enjoy the simple things this world has to offer. Someone to find comfort in and strength in. Someone who makes me want to be better and someone to live out my dreams with, travel with, and stay at home in sweats with. Someone that will love me for my moments of being a crazy opinionated mess and have patients for my wild ideas and awkward snorting laugh. But most of all I pray that I will find someone that will remind me what letting it be like breathing is like.. because lately I have lost track of what that feels like.