Aloha fellow bloggers,
I am back at this blog with full force. I don’t fully know what has gotten into me, but the poem writing, activist shouting, and inspiration seeking side of me has found an outlet on this blog recently. I guess I want to share my views, life experiences, dreams, and poems before I drop out of the blogging world and into missionary world for the next year and a half.
The thought of losing my perceived identity and picking up a missionary name-tag has forced me to really think about who I am, and in a years time what I want to stay, and what I want to change. You see, people say you are a completely different person upon returning from a mission. Maybe that’s a good thing for me. It could mean I will be less impulsive and not buy out the candy section at 1am due to my carvings for smores. And maybe that would mean I’ll come back with patience to not harass the mouse every time my computer is slow to load. There are things I would like to change, a lot in fact.
However, there are many things I wish to stay the same.
I never want to lose the activist inside of me. I don’t care if every time I talk politics my voice becomes two octaves louder than normal, or that I find a way to get heated in every debate, even if it is over butter or margarine. I want my passion, and my fire to stay within me.
I never want to simply accept things I am told. NEVER. Some say it’s childish, but I don’t care. I want to question, analyze, and constantly be asking why. I don’t want to blindly follow society, friends, or religion. I want everything I believe to be the result of much consideration from my brain, and personal promptings from God. That is how I want to come to faith, ideas, and goals, by my mind and heart, not my ears alone.
I never want to forget the taste of his lips or how him holding me could move me to tears. I want to remember his voice and the way I thought everything he said was the most interesting thing I had heard since the concept of God. I want to remember it all so I don’t settle for anything less than my first love. I won’t allow myself to simply accept a man because he is kind. I want his company to be the first thing I wake up missing, and I want his tongue to be my favorite pass-time. nothing less.
I never want bitterness or “reality” to consume my world. It’s all too common to hear “this is how it is in the real world” when people refer to heartache, sadness, and death. I am not naive to the pain that is going on in this world, but something I know is that it is easy to be bitter, or distrusting. It takes courage and strength to continue to smile, to be positive and to trust. I never want to be hardened, rather strengthened so I can share joy and be open to genuinely loving people.
I never want conventional views to clog my thinking. I want creativity to be the roots of my desires and art to be way I express them. but most importantly
I NEVER WANT SUBURBIA TO BE ENOUGH. Because…
I want my goals and dreams to be what I think about every night before my head hits my pillow. I don’t want ordinary. I don’t want cookie-cutter. I don’t want comfortable. I want extraordinary. and I want uncomfortable, because that is what makes change and learning possible.
I don’t know who I will be when I return home from my mission from Poland. I don’t know if I’ll still have my long curly hair, or if I’ll completely lose my tan. I might bring up references to the Bible more than a normal person and I’m sure my relationship with God will gladly be stronger than ever, but there are parts of me I wish to stay. The parts that inspire, and cultivate passion in me, those will not change. This post is a reminder to me, 1 1/2 years from now when I’m looking back at my blog, to keep those essential parts of who I am and what makes up the crazy mess of a woman named Katie Bak.
With love, Katie