If there is a single phrase that embodies the life I want to live, no surprise, it’s “don’t live comfortably.” I talk about it time after time, and up until this point I thought I was living my motto.
Traveling the world alone, graduating early, making grand gestures for romantic love; I thought I’ve lived a life out-smarting fear. But really I think all those things were actually my comfort zone. Pushing and debating the norm has come to me more naturally than walking, but being a missionary, going through spiritual boot-camp, that is a whole other story.
I find strength in rebellion, leadership, winning, and being the smartest in class… but what if the true strength for me is to resist those very things I pride myself on?
Here at the Missionary Training Center I’m finally not comfortable. I’m not adventurous, I’m not a leader, I am simply one of many with a nametag.
I am scheduled, pricked and prodded to fit the mold of missionary and it is the most uncomfortable I have ever been in my life! I have never felt such an internal battle of losing my identity and learning to listen.
For once I understand what my motto really means. I’m not suggesting misery, rather “ruin is the road to transformation” (yes, that is an eatpraylove quote.. see I’m not changing TOO much)
This past month, shower tile marks have been imprinted to my knees from the hours of conversations with God, pleading to understand the kind of person God wants me to be.
Maybe God doesn’t want Katie Bak and stubborn woman to be interchangeable. Maybe God placed me on a mission not just for me to teach, but for me to be taught.
For once I’ll admit, I don’t know what God’s real purpose for me here is, but I’ve given up resisting. Resistance is easy, but submitting has been my greatest test of strength.
Dare I say, meekness is beginning to be the epitome of strength for me..
Now, before you get all up in arms saying, “Remember your post about not wanting the mission to change you too much!” Well, thank you for the rhetorical reminder. To ease your mind, giving up doesn’t mean I’m getting rid of my passions, dreams, questioning, humor, or fabulous selection of music.. but it does mean cutting back on some of the pride, and maybe throwing out my disastrous taste in men…
Just some thoughts I’ve had here at the MTC, in preparation for my arrival in Warsaw Poland. One month left till I’ll be telling yall stories and my training is over, and the real mission begins…